FORE

Welcome back, dear reader, to another installment of the chronicles of the Mount Hood golf scene. There will be no stone unturned by your intrepid reporter and no cliffhangers, as this is my last column for this year. Please, please no teeth gnashing or hair pulling. I plan on returning next year, unless I win a Pulitzer, in which case I'm out of here like a Cal Raleigh home run. Watching baseball makes me realize that every sport has its own jargon that is constantly evolving. For golf, the common terms for shots made or missed are pretty well known. A chili dip is a flubbed shot that only goes a few feet, and a duck hook curves sharply away from the player. But those are in the old lexicon and it's time to update our vocabulary.

For instance, we have always referred to shooting an eight by the term snowman, for obvious reasons. But in the south they call it a Dolly Parton, also for obvious reasons. Here are some other new terms: a flusher is a putt that completely circles the hole before dropping in. Beer is now referred to as Swing Oil. A Botox putt is one that lips out. And Dolly is not the only celebrity to get named in the new jargon. There's a Mickey Mantle shot, which is a dead yank. A Danny Devito putt is a nasty little four footer. A James Joyce putt is one that's unreadable. A Lorena Bobbitt is a shot with a really bad slice. And my personal favorite is when you pull a Hitler: that's two shots in the bunker! I could go on and on but I have a lot of ground to cover before my winter hiatus.

To get started, how about our past president Ray McCue! Talk about a summer to remember. First he retires, then a few weeks later, on August 19th, he hits his first hole-in-one on Thistle number two during the Men's Club Tuesday event. As if that's not enough, he followed it up with an underdog victory over the long hitting David Glenn in the Men's Club championship. He won 2/1 after 27 grueling holes. He played consistently down the fairway and poured in putts from all over. Congratulations brother! Our Women's Club has also crowned their champions. The Ace of Aces for the 18 holers were Carmen Wiesner, winning the gross crown, and Lyn Miskowicz taking the net title. The nine holers crowned Annette Ingersoll as gross champion and Caryn Tilton was the net winner. Well done all of you.

In course news Mallards will continue its excellent weekend music events through October until it closes for the winter on Saturday November 1st. Resort GM Christopher Skipper must have been reading my mind when he asked me to include commendations for the fantastic job done by our grounds crew. The course is in spectacular shape and all the accolades go to the JD Clarizo and Kathy Kaiser led crew of Dan Leis, Tim Cornish, Tom McGraw, Brandon Elstun, Del Davis, Kyle Taylor, Kevin Painter, Dennis Lake, Ryan Bertsch, Jammie Simpson, Kris Patrick and Guy Caitlin. Thanks to you all for bringing back the high standards of excellence we once enjoyed.

Well, dear reader, that is all until next year. If the Pulitzer people come asking about me, feel free to lie through your teeth and say great things. Remember to get out and play and when you do, just “Hit Em Straight!”