FORE

By Bradford Bixby, For the Mountain Times

Welcome back, dear reader, to another edition of Fore, the only column (in this paper) to tackle all of the controversies in the turbulent world of golf. For instance I will be the only to point out what a choke fest the last round of this year's Masters was. First Rory McIlroy shoots mediocre one under after giving up a six stroke lead the day before. Then he three putts from four feet to double bogey and fall out of first place, falling behind Cameron Young and Justin Rose. Not to be denied his chance to choke, Young bogied three of the next four holes and couldn't make a putt on the back nine. Now Rose has the lead, but immediately blows it on the twelfth hole by hitting over the green, then he flubs the chip and takes a double bogey to lose the lead and the tournament. My point, dear reader is this – when you are having that one bad hole in the middle of a good round, remember the pros do the same thing. So relax, at least your bad hole didn't cost you three million dollars!

After being inspired by club president Seaberg Einnerson’s latest post, I feel it's my duty to help you all fit in when you come out to play. Here are some terms golfers use that it wouldn't hurt to know. We all know that shooting a hole in one under par is a “birdie” and two under is an “eagle” but I bet you didn't know that three under par is called an “albatross,” and the extremely rare hole in one on a par five is called a “condor.” Amazingly, five guys have done this, including Mike Green, who set the record at 519 yards. It didn't hurt that he was a mile high in Colorado and the course was parched. There's also a “ferret” which is holding out a shot for par or better from off the green. I may have been called a weasel from time to time but I've made a bunch of ferrets. There's also a “turkey” which is making three birdies in a row. And to finish the animal references, there is the "frog hair,” which is the first cut of the fringe around the green.

But I would be remiss if I didn't throw out some shots named after people, like the Osama Bin Laden: going from bunker to bunker. The Mickey Mantle: a dead yank. An Amelia Earhart: a shot that didn't make it over the water. A Stevie Wonder: the shot sounded great but you can't see where it went. A Sonny Bono: a shot that hits a tree. Then there's an Anna Kournikova: a shot that looked good but got no results. And lastly a Mike Tyson: when you need your ball to bite on the green.

So, dear reader, we are about to enter into the best of the golf season. The course is in great shape as the groundskeepers have been doing all the big projects in the off-season so they can devote themselves to mowing and raking. The powers that be have opened up the weekends to the public. So get your butt out there to play and join our club to enjoy a plethora of events. Anyway you look at it, some fun will be had by all. And when you do come out remember to “Hit Em Straight!”