FORE: Golf Season Tees Off with Club News, Events, and a Few Classic Observations

Welcome back, dear reader, to another season of madcap mayhem from the world of golf, for which I will be your nutty but loveable ace reporter. I promise to leave no turn unstoned as I track down all the dirt, corruption, and secrets in golfdom. I'll do what I can but I make no promises that I'll get anyone kicked out of the royal family!

In club news, our president Seaberg Einnerson has informed me that the men will kick off their schedule on the first Tuesday of April, and the women start on the first Wednesday in May. We will have big tournaments the week of Memorial day, Fourth of July and Labor Day. In June, we will have couples golf every other Monday with a potluck dinner after. Also included in your membership is the hole-in-one fund, so join up and get paid. Non-golf social memberships are also available at half price, so all can attend all the dinners and such. So join up, show up, and have fun.

I saw a quote from Jack Lemmon who said “if you think it's hard to meet people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” That amused me, so I did some research and found a bunch of interesting observations on our game of golf. Let's start with a few thoughts on the swing. John Updike said “the golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things.” (especially if you read golf magazines and take online advice). Lee Trevino said “my swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.” Lee may have been kidding, but Charles Barkley's swing is truly that bad. Sam Snead says “if a lot of people gripped a knife and fork like they do a golf club they would starve to death.” 

Another popular subject is attire, and we start with Sam Snead again: “nobody asks you how you looked, just what you shot.” Dave Barry chimed in with “although golf was originally restricted to wealthy overweight Protestants, today it's open to anyone who owns hideous clothes.” H.G. Welles pointed out “the uglier a man's legs are the better he plays golf. It's almost a law!” 

And finally some general observations, starting with G.K. Chesterton, who said “I regard golf as an expensive way to play marbles.” Ben Hogan said “a shot that goes in the hole is pure luck, but a shot to within two feet of the cup is skill.” Jimmy Demarest pointed out “you know what they say about big hitters — the woods are full of them.” To quote Harvey Pennick “golf tips are like aspirin, one may do you good but if you swallow a whole bottle you'll be lucky to survive.“ Here's one that hits way too close to home from Horace G. Hutchinson: “if profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball the game would be played far better than it is.” And I'd be on the tour!

Well, dear reader, that's all I've got for this month. So get out there and play some golf. And when you do, remember to “ Hit Em Straight. “